Project Cock Block

Sometimes you’re going to run into guys of tremendous douchery. Even as a seasoned cock blocker, you will be astounded at just how far they are willing to go to cock block you. They won’t get your hints. They won’t be able to read your body language. They wont be able to see she just doesn’t give a fuck. When this happens, you’ve really only got one option, Lock the doors, and set the house on fire. Usually, you try to avoid making yourself look bad in order to avoid a cock block, but sometimes, you’ve got to go down with the ship. Chances are, she’ll understand, if she’s worth keeping around. If she gets upset, she probably wasn’t worth blocking for in the first place.

Burning down the house is simple. You bring the situation from zero, to extremely awkward in 5 seconds. Their are many different ways you can accomplish this. Sometimes you could pretend not to know something. Other times, you ask a question that’s grossly inappropriate for the situation. Sometimes, you make light of something everyone in the group knows but no one wants to say. However you go about it, this is a DRASTIC decision, and not to be used lightly.

There are two examples that come to mind when I explain “Burning Down The House” to people. For whatever reason, I find myself burning down the house when I’m with a girl that’s out of my league. Usually, they end up loving the confidence that it shows. So if you do it right, it will work, you just have to sell it. SELL IT!

The first time I ever burnt down the house, I was in a bar with a beautiful brunette named Brooke. It was our first date, and it was awesome. We were talking about nothing imparticular, and having cocktails. I noticed as soon as we walked in that she was the only girl in this bar. It was like a Tuesday night or something, so not the biggest party night. To our right, there was a big group of frat-type d-bags doing bombers of one sort or another. It was funny as she walked to the bathroom to watch the whole pack of them watch her go by.

After what seemed like quite a few bombers, their lead douche bag came up to us. He threw his arms around us both and introduced himself. I always work under the assumption that people generally mean well. We all talked for a few minutes. I tried to be subtle. I let him know that this was the first time we were hanging out. Nothing. I let him know we were talking about something really philosophical and asked his opinion. Still nothing. It was at this point he said he was a nutrition major. And tried to use it as like some kind of sick pick up line on my girl. It was at this point I saw her starting to sour and I noticed that all his douche bag buddies were listening.

Clearly, I was being made a spectacle of. Perhaps I was the victim of a bet or just general douchery. Thusly, I started to lock the doors and pour the gasoline.

I asked him, “So, [guys name], What are all you guys out doing tonight?”

He answered, “We’re just all out getting faded together. You know.”

“Sounds nutritous” I quipped.

“We’re just partying it up!” He said taking his arm off me but keeping the other around my girl.

She was looking at me to do something. I didn’t even know her that well, and it was clear as day. So, I set about to lighting some matches,

” Hey [Guys name], Let me ask you a question…”, His eyebrows raised in anticipation, “…Are you trying to cock block me?” I said, throwing the whole pack of matches into the gas.

“What? No, I was just…” He stammered obviously surprised as I interrupted him,

“Because I notice that you’re over here talking to me and the girl I brought instead of with your buddies. I also notice you have your arm around a girl you just met. Do you think that’s ok?”

The house was good and ablaze right now.

“How do you know we aren’t on a date right now?” I said. The stammering continued as his arm slyly removed itself from her shoulder.

It was at this point that three (!) of his buddies came over. I was a little nervous, worried that my cock blocking may end up in the knock down drag out bar fight I always envision in my mind. But, I was wrong. His buddies came over and took him back. They even, behind his back, informed us that he was drunk. (Shocking) He told me it was nice to meet me, and the same to the girl. He then told me,

“Yeah, dude, I wasn’t cock blocking you. I was just hanging out.” I just patted him on the back and thought to myself, “I know”.

The other opportunity I had to burn down the house was this last weekend. It was valentines day, and I found myself on a super casual date with a girl I had just met a few days earlier. It was NOT a valentines date. We were both dressed down, and had mentioned our disdain for the holiday to each other. As we were sitting there, another couple had come and sat near us. While I was in mid-sentence, this douche bag reaches his hand over and waves it in between us.

“I hate to interrupt” He says as I glare at him, and for that matter, his girl too. “But, you look really familiar as he points at the girl I was with.”

On a side note, I absolutely hate this kind of approach for a couple of reasons. 1) I don’t know whether the girl actually knows him or is just playing along. If she actually knows him and I cock block, I look like an insecure asshole. 2) If you’re going to cock block me, please for the love of god bring better game than “You look familiar”. Step up the game if you want to avoid the transparency of “Wow, this guy is a complete douche with no game”.

So I had to lay back while this idiot tried to run some terrible, desperate ass Valentines day game. However, for lack of other options, I let him talk. When he was done yammering, I asked the girl,

“Do you actually think he looks familiar, or were you playing along?”

She answered, somewhat predictably, “I was playing along. I felt bad because he knew me and I didn’t know him.”

So guys, if you’re wondering if this pathetic ass method has the intent you’re thinking in your head, it does. At this point, I was very upset. He was trying to cock block me with some D- game. So, I decided to put a stop to this stupid ass. This time I took my previous method, and added on to it. Taking a line from him, I said,

“Sorry, I hate to interrupt, but my friend here (Pointing to the girl) wants to know how long you two have been dating.”

His girl immediately confirmed my suspicions, by saying quickly, “Oh were not dating. We’re just friends”

This made it a little awkward. So, I started pouring more gas onto the fire. “That’s cool I said. How do you two know each other?”

Again, the girl answerd, “We met in class. We did a project together for the final” She said, emphasizing the platonic nature of the situation.

Not to be outdone, douche bag couldn’t resist asking, “How did you two meet?”

This of course, was my whole goal. I very gently lead him to this question, because I already had the answer. “It’s funny really. Our parents used to fuck. We were step brother and sister. But, then they got divorced, and now we do it. I think that’s the simplest explanation” as I nod at her inquiringly.

This guys face absolutely went limp as he tried his best not to drop his jaw. His girl went absolutely white as a ghost. Two innocent by standard girls stopped their conversation mid sentence to turn around and see if I was kidding. Now that I had their attention peaked, it was time to sell it.

“Yeah, you want to talk about a REALLY awkward thanksgiving dinner? Or Christmas morning?! Those were the times right sweetheart?”

It was like I dropped Armageddon on these people. Luckily, the girl I was with was extremely cool about me lying about us engaging in one of the most taboo activities on earth. Still, it was a matter of principal. I had to fight fire with … well an inferno. If you’re going to cock block. Bring your a game. The “couple” next to us finished their drinks in short order and left. The douche bag cock blocking me patted me on the shoulder and said, “Good luck buddy” as he left.

When to use:

• When Subtle Hints Fail
• If the other person isn’t “playing fairly”
• If the girl you’re with is a good sport.
• You need to be drastic

When not to use:

• If you could use another method just as effectively
• You’re with a prude girl
• You’re unsure if you’re being cock blocked or if its a coincidence
• The target is not likely to be surprised.